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Hi Sherry, Reaction is a going against that which is and as what IS is being creating by you at the deepest level then you are going against yourself when you react, this obviously can go on for the whole of your Life and never allow for the moment of unity to be known. It is good not to be in reaction but it is again enhanced when one understands why this is the way to go. The thinking mind by its very nature is always split and so it is always in some loophole other, always trapping the one who follows it as if it had the answers, this leads to greater and greater confusion and the concept that there is a centre within it all that (who) is suffering. I will always support your wish to realise that you are the Awareness, it is what I am available for and I know when the sincerity is present and when it is just curiousity as the former I find myself responding to and the latter brings no response whatsoever. In your case there is response. One of the many confusions around the realisation of who we are is this idea that one must be experiencing a constant bliss and all the various other experiences that we have been led to believe are a sign of enlightenment. There are no signs that enlightenment has taken place and there is no need of any as when one SEES ones Self it is Self confirming. There is no need to have explanations of our own or anyone elses explanations once we realisation has taken place. You have done well in your understanding of what we have shared to be able to observe thoughts so well and their disappearance, this is now all that you can do and even this is not being done by the you that you imagine yourself to be. There will come a moment when you will SEE that both the observer AND the observed are objects appearing in Emptiness and the last vestages of the me concept will dissolve. There is nothing else to be done. As you say the thoughts are naturally slowing down, keep the attention on the observer and not whether or not the thoughts are present or slowly or quickly appearing. The presnce of thoughts points to the One that knows of their existence, all points to Awareness. A good thought is no better than a bad thought, both are movements in consciousness, both are pointers and their absence or presence is immaterial although I definately agree that a lack of thoughts is more preferable than a mind full of chattering. Accept everything, not fatalistically but as the fact of the moment, and note your response and reactions to the circumstances as the subtle objects that they are, just notice them without judgment. You are quite right about the mind being and enemy/allay, when it knows itself not to be the master then it is the obediant and very powerful servant of Truth. There may well be many changes in the body/mind and these will be dealt with in their time not before so be as you are and allow all to come and go, i feel that you will have quite a pleasant suprise about the future that you are anticipating, it may never happen. The fear of death often arises when one is at this point in the unfolding understanding, it is natural so allow the thoughts concerning death to be present and allow the energy surrounding them to be fully felt, always resting as the observer beyond them. Love is ALL, all there is is Love, rest in this realisation and welcome everything as a gift from the Divine, which of course it is. I know that what you realised previously was very profound but cease to look back at it as in doing so you are holding it in memory, it was incomplete anyway and that is why it changed into the suffering that you have been through so let it drift into the past and allow the fullness of it now to arise without comparison to any previous experience in this moment. No comparisons, differentation or judgment are needed to allow the fullness of the moment to emerge and embrace you fully, when it does YOU and IT dissolve leaving only Oneness. Rest in the knowing that Life has you in its arms as has brought you to this moment where already there is much renewed clarity, it will surely carry a little further to rest fully in this which you have wanted above all else. Always with you in this everpresent Awareness, deepest Love Avasa. Dear Chris And who or what feels the frustration, is it an object observed or is it YOU? The frustration you are observing as a feeling IS the damn ego burning up, it has taken so long in your case because you have such a BIG one well built and supported by Buddhist crap. Don't worry my friend I don't give up and it is already too late to look elsewhere. So why not go to Austin and meet up with Melissa and Kam, they are both very solid in what they know that they are and that kind of company is what is needed right now. Yeh Kam is very good at putting it into words and she only states what is hers, definitely tested it all the way. If you could only see how much closer you are now to seeing this Chris you would laugh and let go of identifying with the rubbish that is arising and stop identifying with it. DESPITE your help I will bring you to rest LOL. I guess I will visit Crestone first when I come to the States and hopefully somewhere along the line we will meet up and listen to some good blues again. I was looking at the camcorder video last night that I did at your place, a lovely picture of Mr. Smith. Nothing repeats itself in this life and both you and I know that and should be enjoying each and every minute for what it IS, NOT what we would like it to be! Drop the effing searching because regardless of what you imagine someone named Buddha did or did not do as regards searching if he ever existed he NEVER realized until the search dropped. You are manifesting out of that which you ARE, and which is what you are searching for, a whole bunch of energy that creates a search both as a disturbance within the body and outwardly in its surroundings. This is done by believing that there is something to search for and it prevents you from resting PRIOR to all of that manifesting of the search which is what you are seeking to rest in. WAKE UP! my friend you (the REAL YOU) is always, already present as this in which all is manifesting. STOP seeking it as an experience and let it be what it IS. Rested here in this that is the I of us both Avasa. REPLY "...that's the way that the world goes 'round, you're up one day, the next you're down; it's a half an inch of water -- you think you're gonna drown -- that's the way that the world goes 'round..." -John Prine oh buddy....something unexpected and subtle happened late last night, early this morning.... details later, but the git is that I suddenly realized that I was still identifying with the Chris body/mind character, not with the awareness with which, of which I am so familiar....I saw that, in a very real and certain sense, I had a choice of with what to identify -- the clouds or the sky, as it were...and that as much as I've "known" or "understood" all the pointers and clues I've dropped myself through the reflections of avasa or gratefuldead or whatever I was only ever paying lipservice to being timeless, etc....suddenly last night it dawned on me that all that was happening --thoughts, emotions, listening to music, feeling sensations in my body because of the position in which i was reclining -- was all happening in tis great big bubble -- which is NOT a bubble -- of awareness..now, this is a familiar experience, but what marked it as different last night was that i saw suddenly that I have always been glossing over this..because no matter the intellectual understanding, I have always been identifying with the character of Chris and thinking that it was HIS awareness....you see what I mean? so last night it was clear to me -- and is still now-- that I have a choice, so to speak, to identify with something else - this awareness -- which, oddly enough, seems to be located nowhere in particular....even this character is taking place within it....it really feels like walking around in a dream! I don't want to sound too excited about it, but for this one it is a happy insight....very thing is part and parcel to/of...happening within....of the very substance of this great big non-existent bubble.....and I could see last night, and can see right now, how in identifying myself as that, not as the character, even sadness or pain can happen and be felt and still be okay.... it almost feels like 'm looking at myself from another, non-local, nonspecific, point of view...like my eyes are everywhere, my ears are huge....this is, as I said, not unfamiliar....except that now it feels like it is not just awareness, but quite possibly ME who is so big..do you know what I mean? Chris |
 "The wise man does not need to use words for he is having an eternal conversation in silence. 
Independence is a lie, it does not exist except where you sees all is One. As the one who strives to be independent you will always be dependant on the illusion that the "other" is not your Self
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